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comicalcupcake
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Name: Insert Alias Here
State: California
Metro: Los Angeles
Interests: Singing, law, the Constitution, surfing, reading the Bible, reading books, reading the newspaper, weight and food issues, movies, celebrity gossip, advice columns, Sudoku, writing, working out, travel, my church, Mensa, Los Angeles history, New Orleans history, swing music and dancing, fine art, knitting and crocheting, macrame.
Expertise: Being in love, law and government, swing music, being manipulative, remembering numbers and songs I've only heard once, beauty, Scrabble, letter writing, saying I'm sorry, failing and getting back up again.
Weight: 135-ish, working on getting it down to 125 or so without obsessing over it. My weight is at a normal level, so it's more important for me to be mindful of my mental and spiritual health than for me to go on crash-and-burn diets.
Occupation: Student
Industry: Legal
Message: message me
Member Since:
2/3/2003
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| Doin' fine. Weight went up a little, trying to lose it very carefully. Not too drastic--just how I should be eating anyway.
Escrow closes on the new condo tomorrow! Woohoo!
And we're off for a semester in London in 3 weeks! | | |
| I ate ice cream today. Guilt-free. Well, I had a little guilt but it
was because I knew I hadn't gotten enough veggies today (or any, for
that matter). Which I'm about to fix. So, guilt-free. It was weird,
because I remember the taste so strongly associated with that time in
my life that my stomach actually pushed it up a little for me, and I
had to swallow it back down. Which wasn't hard because it was DELICIOUS
and cold, and balanced the heat, and even provided a little comfort
(yes, my comfort is in Christ but sometimes an old-fashioned cone can
sometimes help simplify things too). As I walked home, cone in hand, I
felt such delight in reveling in something I would have rejected just a
few months ago.
I leave for my internship Sunday. I said my only dietary restriction
was no red meat. I kind of wish I had put diabetic diet (even though
I'm not diabetic, it's what I try to follow because it's healthy and
because type2 runs in the family). I want to set the tone with health.
It's easier when meeting a bunch of new people if you're a bit of a
health nut right off the bat, instead of gorging (what a disgusting
word) and then later trying to change your ways. People tend to have a
gravitational pull toward first impressions.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm more easily influenced than most people, and
I think the answer is yes, with some qualifications. Certain types of
people/ideas turn me off right away. If something strikes me as, say,
communist, I'd probably reject it without a second thought, even if it
turned out to be biblically valid (such as sharing with fellow
believers in need as the apostles did). But if someone is "my kind of
guy," then I'm likely to take what they say to heart. I'm probably just
a little naive, and maybe not well-read enough. It seems that the first
point of view that gets to me is the one I end up espousing. What I
should really try to do is seek out all valid sides of an issue before
my mind is made up.
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| Well it's been a little over two months and I am happy to report back.
I had chosen not to write for a while because I wanted to get into the
habit of wellness, and I realized that for me, brooding over things
doesn't help that. In fact, when I went to counseling, just the fact of
thinking about my actions more made me do them more often. Bad things.
But by the grace of God, I have been over two months bulimia-free!
Here's how I believe it happened. I didn't necessarily want to change
(did but I didn't, y'all know what I mean), but I felt that my
relationship with God was suffering, and I did want to change that. I
knew that sin was getting between me and God, and the only way to
regain the closeness was to stop doing the sin. (Call it a disease if
that helps you, but it's a sin too, just like alcoholism or rage or
anything else destructive one can't seem to stop doing.) So I asked God
in faith and sincerity to lift it from me, and He did. God has done
great things!
I came back to report how things have been for me, so that others who
may be making similar decisions in their lives might benefit. At first,
things seemed so boring without the habit. I had to actually be
conscious of what I put in my body, careful not to overdo it or underdo
it. At first, I probably erred on the side of caution, eating a little
less than my body probably would have liked. My weight stayed the same,
but my energy was low. Then the concept of freedom really set in, and I
was so thankful for all the good foods God has provided for his
children's health and enjoyment. I let myself eat bread and rice again,
but kept it healthy. I gained three pounds and a ton of energy. It
wasn't the end of the world. I kept that up for a while, along with a
good bit of exercise (mostly for the purpose of staying fit, not
burning calories, though I'll admit it crossed my mind).
When finals came around and stress set in, along with more days off for
studying which meant more freedom of choice when it came to food, and
lots of end-of-the-year get-togethers, I allowed myself more--probably
too much. I have an insatiable sweet tooth, and if I allow myself an
inch with sweets, I often take a mile or two. I tried to stay otherwise
healthy, and was pretty successful for a while, but the
"all-or-nothing" mentality of diet or no diet set in, and I was soon
making reckless decisions by eating unhealthy things just because I
could, whether or not I even wanted them. I felt out of control, but I
didn't want to stop. I decided that instead of restricting, I would
work on a diet of more instead of less--more fruits and vegetables,
more water. That worked pretty well, but the sweet tooth still plagued
me and brought other unhealthy foods with it because of the
all-or-nothing mentality. One of the fruits of the Spirit is
self-control, and I know as my life becomes more Spirit-filled, I will
have more self-control. While that is in progress, I am also working on
the physiological side by doing a sweets detox. Funny that sugar can
control me for weeks, but all it takes is three rough days without
sugar until just an apple can satisfy that craving for me. I gained a
few and lost a few, and I am okay with myself now. I'd still like to
get back to where I was before finals, because I was healthy and happy
at that point, and felt good about myself while not depriving myself
either. But I'm not going to obsess over it. I'm going to take really
good care of myself, and whatever happens, happens.
I'm also working on the physical fitness side to increase my endurance,
doing my best to care more about my endurance and my mentality than the
number of calories burned. I'm working on running faster and farther,
and getting more toned. Going to the gym helps me appreciate my body
for what it can do, rather than getting down on it for what it isn't.
One of the hardest parts has been getting rid of old "supporting"
habits and mindsets. That all-or-nothing mentality does not make for a
normal eater, and constantly poring over triggering magazines and
websites doesn't make for a healthy mind. There have been times where
I've had to just say to myself "this isn't good for me" and walk away.
Sometimes I just get in the mood to sit and brood about eating and
weight. For those times, I ordered a devotional for people in recovery
from an ED. I haven't gotten it yet, but I'll let you know how it is.
My main concern now is telling my mother and sister about it. I want it
to be enough behind me that it won't worry them, but I can't wait too
long or I'll feel dishonest. A few good moments have come up, but I was
too chicken to say anything. I want to talk to them because I think
they may be going through or have gone through similar issues. I want
to help them if I can, or get any insight they have to offer. Once the
visor of disorder was lifted from my face, I could see that my family's
constant comments about my weight probably has more to do with their
mentality and what they see as important than it does my actual weight.
Part of my worry in telling them is that they'll take it badly; they
tend to be sensitive people. Another worry is that they'll tell other
people. That's pretty ridiculous because this site is open for anyone
to see, friend, stranger, and anyone in between. I've refused to move
this site even though I knew for a fact that people were looking at it,
even judging me based on it. I felt it was so important to be honest
about my struggles. I have more courage here than in real life, and I
thought that would somehow prove useful. So why shy away from including
my own family in this circle of those who know? Guess I'm just waiting
for the guts and the right time. I could use prayer for wisdom and
guidance on the matter.
May God's goodness and grace fill your lives with many blessings. He
loves all of you and desires for all of you to trust in Him. Let me
know how I may remember you in my prayers.
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| It seems like this
week went by so fast! At first I was so very excited about my new
direction. It's interesting to see how it will all play out as time
passes, because I'm still careful about food. I'm just trying to keep
it about health, and that as long as I'm healthy I shouldn't worry
about the rest. Which in a practical sense means I'm eating the same
(minus the b/ps of course), but with a different attitude. A few days
out from the new commitment, temptation to b/p or overeat or dwell on
thoughts of food came, but I fought it by thinking "I am not a slave to
food. I am a servant of God." I think that will be my new mantra. When
we went out to dinner last night, my aunt prayed to bless the food and
she said "Bless the food to our bodies and our bodies to your service."
I like that. I think I'll keep it in mind.
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| Our
church had open door prayer tonight. I have known for some time that I
need to set aside some time to sort myself out with God. And I tell
you, when I gave up, I found an incredible freedom, an incredible
peace. Of course there will be battles ahead, but my ally is stronger
than any combination of other forces.
Of course I still
"want" to lose weight (who doesn't, really?) but my heart's desire is
to be God's servant. So I will do my best to take care of myself and be
healthy, and I may even follow an eating plan, but it will not be my
focus, and I will not go to extremes, and I will not obsess over it. If
God wants me to minister to someone by taking them out to lunch, I
won't pass it up just because I don't know how many calories are in the
salad. If God wants me to stay and talk to someone who's hurting, I
won't rush home just because I want to indulge myself in this horrid
habit.
I am done. Done! No
more of this cycle. I am not "trying" anymore. I am giving up and
letting God take over. I can't do it on my own, and even if I could, I
wouldn't want to. Do I have to remind myself of this summer, when a
classmate died in a car accident and I felt it should have been me?
Need I think of all the money I'm wasting on this terrible habit? Will
I forget what I am doing to my body or how much time I'm wasting? So
many reasons to quit, no good reason to go on. It's over. From tonight
on, I will no longer think of myself as bulimic. God has better plans for me.
Helpful lyrics:
I'm trading my sorrows, I'm trading my pain, I'm laying them down for the joy of the Lord
I'm trading my sickness, I'm trading my shame, I'm laying them down for the joy of the Lord
And I say Yes Lord Yes Lord Yes Yes Lord...
(okay so not incredibly deep but I dig it)
When Satan tempts me to despair
And tells me of the guilt within
Upward I look and see Him there
Who made an end to all my sin
Because the sinless Savior died
My guilty soul is counted free
For God the just is satisfied
To look on Him and pardon me
The Lord is my rock and my salvation,
The Lord is the strength of my life
The Lord is my rock and my salvation,
The Lord is the strength of my life
So I will not be afraid
No I will not be afraid
The Lord is my strength, the Lord is my strength, the Lord is my strength
All to Jesus I surrender, all to Him I freely give
I will ever love and trust Him, in His presence daily live
I surrender all, I surrender all
All to Thee my blessed Savior, I surrender all
What a Friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and griefs to bear!
What a privilege to carry everything to God in prayer!
O what peace we often forfeit, O what needless pain we bear,
All because we do not carry everything to God in prayer.
Have we trials and temptations? Is there trouble anywhere?
We should never be discouraged; take it to the Lord in prayer.
Can we find a friend so faithful who will all our sorrows share?
Jesus knows our every weakness; take it to the Lord in prayer.
Are we weak and heavy laden, cumbered with a load of care?
Precious Savior, still our refuge, take it to the Lord in prayer.
Do your friends despise, forsake you? Take it to the Lord in prayer!
In His arms He’ll take and shield you; you will find a solace there.
Blessed Savior, Thou hast promised Thou wilt all our burdens bear
May we ever, Lord, be bringing all to Thee in earnest prayer.
Soon in glory bright unclouded there will be no need for prayer
Rapture, praise and endless worship will be our sweet portion there.
We're the children of the light and we're the children of the day
We need not always stumble in an ever darker way.
Though the darkness may close in around with shadows everywhere
Still Jesus Christ is in our hearts, the Light of the world is there.
Through many dangers, toils and tares I have already come
'Twas grace that brought me safe thus far, and grace will bring me home
When you met with great temptation,
Did you think to pray?
By His dying love and merit,
Did you claim the Holy Spirit
As your guide and stay?
O how praying rests the weary!
Prayer will change the night to day;
So when life seems dark and dreary,
Don’t forget to pray.
Far be sorrow, tears and sighing!
Waves are calming, storms are dying,
Moses hath o’erpassed the sea,
Israel’s captive hosts are free;
Life by death slew death and saved us,
In His blood the Lamb hath saved us,
Clothing us with victory.
Jesus Christ from death has risen,
Lo! His Godhead bursts the prison,
While His Manhood passes free,
Vanquishing our misery.
Rise we free from condemnation;
Through our God’s humiliation,
Ours is now the victory.
Vain the foe’s despair and madness!
See the dayspring of our gladness!
Slaves no more of Satan we;
Children, by the Son set free;
Rise, for life with death has striven,
All the snares of hell are riven,
Rise and claim the victory.
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